my past

weheartit

I am a shallow person and I seek my family’s approval too much. I have to be honest with myself. I may have kept myself from love from the past 9 and a half years.
Through all the years I still think of him often. Sometimes I long for him. This is for you x

You were my first love, before I knew what a mature relationship was. The sweet innocence of a childhood romance… we played outside and did fireworks. I fell in love with you at the age of 12. Some may say that’s too young, but I knew it was real love. It felt just as real as the love I have felt at the age of 21. I knew you in your awkward pre-teen phase. You knew me before I cared about fashion. When I wore skater shoes, because I thought I had to dress like the music I listened to. We spent every Christmas together. Then two years later you decided you wanted me romantically. You were persistent. You protected me from the crowd at a concert. You said that’s when you knew. I resisted because I didn’t want to be hurt. We had already tried so many times before. You held my hand and begged me to hold yours. You told me I was different. I wouldn’t give in. My Dad didn’t think you were good enough. You told me you missed talking to me so much. That you were there for me and always would be. Three and a half years out of high school I have had many, many suitors since you. I have had a serious boyfriend since you. My first “adult” relationship. Well he is long gone now. I’ve moved away from our hometown. At friend’s weddings I see you. You flirt and walk me to my car. Your best friend stopped through my college town tonight. He told me some of your secrets. They are currently keeping me from sleep. He said that you considered me the girl that got away. You never thought you could really have me. Your friend thinks we should have gotten married. When you say we should see each other, I know you mean it, but it’s been a year and half since we were alone together. Are you just a sweet relic of my past?

be with me

tumblr + unknown

three words

unknown

I just love you.

Words demand explanation. They require analysis. They are the construction and expression of my thoughts. Of my heart. But they can't describe it. They can't describe any of it. They can't tell you how deep the memories are, or how often I think of them. They can't scream what I really want to say. They are the mask of how I really feel and they try to disguise the pain, but someone will strip it away. And someone will make those words worthless.

So what is a word worth? Nothing. What are three words worth? Nothing. But we say them anyway, because you know. You know, more than anyone what they mean. You know when I say I love you, I really mean that those three words can't describe what it is we have. When I say you're amazing, I know the word is just a cover; a quick way for me to remember all the things that amaze me about you, a mask for the memories we share, a disguised version of our adventures together. And I really believe that you know, when I say I miss you, it's not just that. I miss you every moment, and I miss just what your name means to me. It means an alphabet of sounds and letters and words. But none of them really mean anything, because words are based on trust, they rely on how truly and deeply we feel. Remember, always, that they don't mean anything, they are letters and they are constructions, but we deconstruct them every day and we twist them; we manipulate them so that they say what we want them to. But no word, no shape, no photograph could ever twist so far that it could begin to explain even a little bit of how I feel.

- L

don't tell me...

i still have no idea

unknown

you wore denim pants with holes in them and played in a band. i spent night after night looking at you through the crowd feeling worse and worse because you never noticed me. you were high and low in the room, mingling, laughing, smoking, flirting, and i was always on the side trying my best to catch every glimpse i could of you without you noticing

often i would sit outside for a while when the nervousness got to me, and one night you came out and sat down, you asked if i was ok, and it made me so nervous i couldn't even answer, i just started walking away from you, but you followed me asking again and again and finally i blurted out that i couldn't even talk to you right now because you are too much. too much smiles and looks and lips

you touched my hair and then my shoulder, and we started walking towards the beach, i didn't say much but you kept telling me about your family, about music you liked and your night so far, and i could hardly hear anything you said because i was too afraid of making a fool out of myself

and all i could really hear was the sound of your feet against the asphalt, the rocks and then the sand beneath us. we sat on the grass and none of us said a word, you touched my face. i was trembling. i wanted to kiss you so badly, but didn't dare. you told me i was pretty, that i made you nervous. i didn't believe a word you said. the energy in and around us was almost surreal. it knocked me over

i said i wanted to swim and you looked a little scared and that calmed me down a bit. you followed and soon we were in with water to our waists and you were so cold i could see your goosebumps, but you smiled anyway and we just stood there, and stared at each other for what felt like a century

and that was it

i still have no idea what that meant

-exoplanetarium

this fear

ffffound

maybe one day

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When he texts me saying he really wants to see me, I light up inside. But moments are always fleeting. I just imagine him saying it to me because who he really wants to see doesn’t want to see him. She put him on the backburner and doesn’t need him right now. He needs me right now, because he can’t have her. I am a distraction. I make him feel warm inside, I soothe his pain, and when he’s around me he isn’t haunted and consumed by thoughts of her. I can briefly take away his pain, but moments are always fleeting. He can hurt me. Once he’s over her, he won’t need me. I’m dispensable and he’s broken. And this is the way our unfair world works.

He needs me.

I want him.

Everyone wants to be needed.

Everything he tells me: every thought, every dream, every feeling has already been told. The things he told her, she must have known everything about him. He knew her like the back of his hand. He loved her. He loves her. He needs me. Temporarily. I think of him, and can only think of her. I’m not her. Does he want me to be? Am I like her? Does he wish I were like her? Will he ever stop loving her?

I don’t know if I want him if I can’t have all of him. I know that’s a lie, of course I want him. I just don’t want to want him. When he looks away and is distant, is he thinking of her? I can’t see us together. Thinking of him, hearing his name, brings butterflies to my stomach, but it’s not right. I can’t see us together. It’s as if the world was supposed to have him and her together. Like it was right. It is right. It’s just not the right time.

We connect though. We have chemistry we’re comfortable in each other. We have become all too comfortably numb.

What happens when she wants him back?

But I already know the answer to that.

Maybe one day he’ll love me. Maybe one day he won’t want her; won’t want me to be her. Maybe one day he’ll think I’m truly beautiful and look at me the way I look at him every time I see him. But then again, maybe one day I’ll get over him. Maybe one day I can look at him and say, “You’re so not worth this” and actually believe it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to think about someone else.