as if it were the last time

weheartit + lovetrains

my feelings won't change

unknown

The message i sent to my lover when he ended things telling me he all of a sudden had no time for or relationship...

There's so much left unsaid that It's got to a point where I'm a mess. I can't keep trying.

I won't lie; I still hope you'll call & probably won't move on properly till you do.
I'm confused that you were just going to leave it though you know what I'm feeling.
Being openly emotional isn't something I do so you know I'm really trying.

We've both had unsuccessful relationships & it kills that you won't give us a chance.
I just wanted to be there for you. No drama, just me & you.
Despite what you have going on I'd support you not stress you. You say your life has a schedule,
I could've worked with that; all I wanted was your time, however much or little.
I need you to know that I would've been different. No lies, control, cheating or games.

Think of the time we spent together. You know we'd have been good for each other.
You made me feel things I'd never felt before then took it away as if it was nothing.
As if I was nothing. No explanation. Imagine how that feels.

I don't know if it's because of what happened or because you truly don't want someone right
now but you will soon enough, we all do, & I'm here. Still wanting you just the way we were.
If you felt everything you said you did you could balance it. But I can't force that.
You have your reasons. I just wish you didn't.

You mean so much to me & you can't tell giving up on us makes you happy.
I meant it when I said I loved you.
We had something. Maybe it's over. Maybe you need time.
Either way my feelings won't change.

-anon

until you found me

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For Mum

orkut

How many times have I betrayed you? There are betrayals in battle that are infinitesimal compared to my betrayals of you.
I pushed off, away, and against. What was not broken, I destroyed. What you did not care to know, I found out.

You let me. Other times you didn’t let me go easily and I would fight. Sometimes I would get so angry I wouldn’t be able to remember what I said. Then I would leave. Sometimes I wouldn’t come back.

One time, I left and got really lost, in more ways than one. I couldn’t get out of bed. I stayed there in the dark for days. Was it the third day that you opened my door and sat down on my bed? I couldn’t get the words out from inside (I’m lost).

I filled the aching void with tears instead. You cried too.

Get up, you said softly, tears running down your cheeks and wetting my hands. This isn’t you. It’s time to get up.

You didn’t open the window, and you closed the door when you left a minute later.
I lay there, in the darkness. All my darkness.

I was lost, too close to that precipice.

I came upstairs a few hours later, still lost. I think you knew that.

That day you came down into my room, I realized that down in my room, the only one who remembered me was you. That was the year I didn’t know my own reflection in a mirror. That was the year only you found what I had lost.

I remember the day the fog lifted. I was back. I was also almost eight thousand miles away, living in an ancient English castle. I had fled there to find myself, and when I did I realized you’d never once lost me. You were just waiting until I found what you’d known all along. Thank you for waiting, for guarding, for keeping.

I quit running to the unknown after that day. The problem with running towards the void is that it’s incredibly likely you’ll get consumed by all of the uncertainty of the unknown.
I realize that now.

It’s your birthday today. I sat down intending to write something that could somehow express just how much I love you. Instead, I ended up overwhelmed by just how much you love me.

This is the first part of what I know.
Love is a species of flame.

And although all the rest of what I do not know cries out to me (and I must go and know it) I need you to understand—you are my North star. My touchstone. The origin from which I run.

Ultimately, I am always journeying back to you.

never settle

weheartit

I love(d) you.

unknown

I love(d) you.

It has been 10 days since we broke up for the second time. It was different this time, we both gave up. I tried to get this relationship back but it's obviously not working.

My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told you're not gonna do anything to save this relationship. And that you're just gonna sit back and let whatever happen, happens. You said, 'If God want us to be together,we will'. But then again, if you love something, you should work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.

You told me I'm a Bitch and I never appreciate. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship. I told myself to give all up on you.

But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on iTunes, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurting too, but it doesn't seem like it.

And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.

You promised me forever. You said you were gonna marry me. You said I was the only you loved. You are my first kiss. You told me I'm a good kisser. You said you'll love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believed everything you said.

And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.

But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.

You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?

You said we could be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.

One day, I'll be happy again. I hope.

everytime i see you

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dearly missed

When I was 9 years old, I finally convinced my parents to get a family dog. We decided to get an English Cocker Spaniel, a gorgeous breed with long, floppy ears, and big, adoring eyes.

We found a breeder, and I had my heart set on getting a black and white puppy. However, there was a certain brown and white puppy that kept following me, nipping my heels gently, wagging his docked tail. He was so incredibly playful from the moment I met him, and I knew that he was the puppy I was going grow up with. It's true, it really is - the dog chooses their owner.

He was the friendliest dog in the world, and loved EVERY visitor that came to our home. He had the biggest heart, which was so appropriate as he was born on Valentines Day, 2001.

Being an only child, he was the one I played my childhood games with. He was a brave Prince, venturing into the forest (which consisted of some tall shrubs in our old house's backyard) to rescue his Beloved (his favourite ball). His favourite game, needless to say, was "Fetch". His tail wagged joyfully every time he saw me, and even more so if I held a leash in my hand.

As I grew older I spent less time with him, but I still loved him just as much. I would try to spend time with him - which was hard, because my mother wouldn't allow him inside the house (although I would occasionally sneak him in) - and we would go for walks to his favourite nearby park. I now believe I could have tried harder to spend more time with him - a little less TV perhaps, and more games of Fetch. I also loved just sitting with him, and once he got over the excitement of playing, he would sometimes rest his head on my knee, and we would soak in the sunshine, the moonlight, the beauty of the day gone by.

One day I came home to find him hiding under a shrub, refusing to move. I was so scared, and after awhile managed to coax him out. It was revealed that he was in intense pain from arthritis in his paw - the first sign of him growing old. I could scarcely believe it - not once had my dog shown a single sign of aging - he had never quite grown up, and was always a puppy to us.

One week ago, I brought him to the front of the house and I noticed he was short of breath. He began making an awful noise, and I thought he was choking, but it turned out he was coughing. We brought him to the vet who said there was nothing wrong, and sent us home. Two days later we brought him back to the vet, and we discovered some horrific news - our beloved dog, my best friend, had a heart that had grown to twice the size it was supposed to be. So beautifully tragic, our dog who had too much love for everyone, was now suffering from the fluid collecting in his lungs from his large, weak heart.

We were told there was nothing we could do for him, except take medication which would not reverse his congenital condition, and would only provide symptomatic relief for his fluid-filled lungs. He could no longer play without wheezing, he would not even run to get his ball when I saw him. Even the medication could not guarantee an extended life - his weak heart could give in at any time.

Throughout the week, he rapidly deteriorated. His coughing became less intermittent and more frequent. I could not go outside without making him overexcited, causing him to wheeze. Even through all his suffering he remained in high spirits, prancing around whenever he saw me, causing yet more suffering. There has never been such an optimistic dog. I made the most excruciating decision of my life - to put my darling best friend to sleep, to put him out of his misery. I could not bear to watch him panting as he tried to eat his dinner, which was usually one of the highlights of his day.

This morning, at approximately 11.20am, my puppy at the tender age of 9 years and 4 months breathed his last breath. I will never forget his last whine as the vet injected him with sleep. He was still warm, and I cried tears of guilt and grief. Should I have fought harder for him? Should I have prolonged his life - and his suffering?

Somehow I think I made the right choice - I let my puppy go whilst he was still in high spirits, and did not let him suffer without reason. He had a life filled with joy and love, and loved greatly. I miss him so much already even though it has only been a few hours - I hear noises and believe for a millisecond that it is my dog, only to be disappointed as the realisation that he is gone sinks in.

There is no better example of unconditional love than my puppy. He had a big heart, both figuratively and literally, and loved everyone with everything he had. I will never, ever, forget him, and he will always be in my heart.

Rest in peace, my beloved Valentine, you are dearly missed.

xoxoxo E.